I don’t know where I’m going with this just as much as I don’t know where I’m going with my life. I’m currently at a point where nothing seems to be laid out in front of me and every effort I make seems like another blind punch in the dark. I’ve been called to venture into something I have absolutely no natural skill at – running a business. I’m not a planner, I never was one. It’s just something against my nature but it’s also something crucial in business. It’s easy to make a short term plan, followed by a long term plan, but what do you do when every plan you make gets paralyzed by the urgent need you have? What do you do when bills start coming your way one after the other and you don’t have any income to pay these bills because your business hasn’t taken off yet? How do you sustain yourself until the business starts making revenue without turning to your family for money or looking for alternative ways to make money and thus ending up by sacrificing the very thing you’ve been called to do? What do you do when you work your butt off for a client and you end up not getting paid for months on end? (That is if you do ever end up getting paid). What do you do when you are called to write songs and eventually books that will change people’s lives when you can’t even start by changing your own because you just don’t know where to start?
To some people, the answer(s) would be very obvious. But to me it’s not. I’m a feeler by nature and sticking to one thing until the end without seeing any immediate change is very hard for me to do.
I have come to despise and dread a question that I’ve been asked on a daily basis by every person I meet – “How’s the business going?”. You wanna know how it’s going? It’s going very bad. Any person that has the slightest idea about business would tell you that it’s not called business until it starts making profit. Well then, it’s not a business yet because I don’t know how to take it from being a series of useless attempts to start the vehicle to actually going somewhere with it.
You get a guy that is skilled at giving people the chills and hand him a business to do just that and make money out of it when that guy has absolutely no idea how to go from point (A) where no money is coming in (but bills upon bills are) to point (B) where money starts coming in and we’re officially in business and what do you get? You get what I’ve been living for the past year and a half. You get someone that’s been hassling to pay rent every month by doing all sorts of things he shouldn’t be doing in the first place and more often than not, turning to his parents whose patience God only knows how long will last. You get Sunday lunches that are centered around the focal question, “How’s the business going?”. You get a guy who can use all the help he can get but just can’t tell people he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing because he feels people are just waiting for him to crumble eventually because he did the very thing most people wouldn’t dare to do – quit their job and follow their God-given dreams.
Sometimes I wonder what in the world God was thinking to call someone like me to start a business. But then I remember that it was him that called me to do that and I responded to his call with great joy, knowing fully well that the one who called me is able to sustain me and the one who spoke to me, saying “do not fear for I will be with you” is able to carry out his promise and fulfill it in his timing. I start thinking of all those people in the Bible that God called to do things that were far beyond their natural abilities and I remember that God just loves to do that, in order to show his surpassing power that operates in our weaknesses. I think of Moses whom God called to lead his people out of Egypt knowing well that Moses wasn’t eloquent of speech (Exodus 4:10), Gideon whom God called to save his people from the hands of Midian when Gideon was nothing but the least man in the weakest clan, yet God calls him “mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12), Jeremiah whom God called to be his prophet when he was only a boy (Jeremiah 1:6-8) and all sorts of people that were considered as the fools of the world through whom God chose to display his mighty works to shame the proud and the wise (1 Corinthians 1:27-29) and it brings me comfort and confidence that God is far more able to do the same with me and bring into completion the very thing that he has called me to do.
When I look back at the past year and a half I can’t say it was easy. I can’t even say it was what I thought it would be when I first responded with a resounding “Yes” to the call of the Lord. I’ve been in want more times than I could admit, all of my money has been serving to pay bills, I haven’t been able to pamper myself with anything, I’ve had to turn to my parents more times than I and them would’ve wanted, I sleep on a couch and I have one pair of shoes (my dog ate the rest). But I still get sound sleep during the night and the peace within me has never left me because I know deep down that this is but a phase and I will come out of it victoriously.
It’s easy to be thankful when everything is working out for you, but it’s very hard to be thankful when (you think) nothing is. Truth is, all things work together for my good (Romans 8:28) and this gives me enough reason to be thankful, because I know that there is a good God taking care of everything for me and I just have to come into his rest. It’s not that easy when your rent is due yesterday, but it is something God is teaching me to do at the moment.
“Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.”